Eyes Wide Shut

Many of you that know me well have heard me call myself a closet social scientist. In fact, my theories on life are based on listening and watching other people, their problems and how I would deal with them. Very few of my theories are formed by my life's experience. Well, sports fan in the last week, I have put a few of my biggest theories to the test.

One of my theories is that I will fight with you not for you. It sounds backwards but hear me out. In my mind, if you are with me then there is no one that will ever treat you better than I can or will. So if you find someone that does you should be with them. I won't fight for you. However, if you have a problem then I have a problem. I will stand shoulder to shoulder and fight with you.

Theory number two states that people will do anything if they think that no one will EVER find out. My example is that you can take an educated, successful women from Utah attending a conference in New Orleans. On a whim, she walks down Bourbon street, hears the calls from the balconies and all the sudden this women is flashing strangers for a some plastic beads that are worth 15 cents. This women teaches school, has three kids and a loving husband..... What is she thinking? That no one will ever find out.

So here I am faced with both of these theories at once. It's hard to imagine that our lives can be so thrown by events that in normal circumstances would never occur, not even be thought about, but if you add an outside ingredient to the recipe then the picture is framed differently.

What I have concluded after hours and hours of thought is that friends that followed a common code as brothers bound by service evaporates after someone is not counting on them day after day. I live by I do not lie, cheat or steal or tolerate those among us that do. Unfortunately, someone that I thought lived by that code chose to take something from me that I can't ever get back.

I don't know what to do

How I got here

I really can't believe this but for some strange reason I have gotten about 40 requests for my retirement speech. Since I am on vacation.....kinda, I thought I would put it on my blog for everyone to print off. This is a big step for me because I think that there is only two maybe three people that know that I even have a blog..... Anyway enjoy.


Wow, it’s really here. I have a speech and I’ll get to it in a moment. What I would like to do before I start….. is give you a little insight into the lack of faith everyone has in me to pull this retirement speech off. I have gotten all kinds of advice: be funny, don’t be funny, you are not that funny. Be witty, don’t be witty, you are not that witty. Can you see a trend here? Well, I must say the best the piece of advice came from Admiral Anne Gilbride, who could not attend today and I told her if she did not attend it was almost assured that I was going to talk about her. Most of you know that Admiral Gilbride and I have a love hate relationship….. I hate it that she loves me so much. So, on the back of an envelope, the Admiral wrote down how she prepares for speeches and she speaks at events frequently, so I thought I’d take her up on the sequence or process that she goes through before she delivers each speech. The good Admiral wrote down the advice on the back of an envelope folded it in half and handed it to me. She said, “the night before the ceremony, read this and it will help you get through the speech.” So last night as I was reading over my retirement speech, I remembered what Admiral Gilbride had said. I looked around, found the folded envelope and I want to share what she wrote. On the back of the envelope were the letters N-O-C-H-O-K-E. The letters spell out NO CHOKE. So her confidence in me apparently was not strong as I assumed. So let me share what she wrote next to each letter.



N – NO MASCARA

O – OPEN YOUR HEART

C – CREATE YOUR REMARKS IN

ADVANCE

H – H2O ON THE PODIUM

O – OVER AND OVER (5 TIMES)

ALOUD

K – KEEP IT SIMPLE STUDIP

E – EVEN IF YOU CHOKE UP IT WILL STILL BE OK


Friends, family, loved ones, fellow officers, ladies and gentlemen, welcome. I am deeply touched that you have taken time out of your busy day to attend this ceremony. It is difficult for me to express what it has meant to me to serve in the Navy for over Twenty years. I think Shakespeare’s character; King Henry sums it up for me.

And say 'Tomorrow is Saint Crispian.' 


Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars, 


And say 'These wounds I had on Crispian's day.' 


Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot, 


But he'll remember, with advantages, 


What feats he did that day. Then shall our names, 
 Familiar in his mouth as household words- 


Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter, 


Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester- 


Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red. 


This story shall the good man teach his son; 


And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by, 


From this day to the ending of the world, 


But we in it shall be remembered- 


We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; 


For he today that sheds his blood with me 


Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile, 


This day shall gentle his condition; 


And gentlemen in England now-a-bed 


Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here, 


And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks 


That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.


That sums up the bond of service that I so covet. It is not the job, it is not the travel. It is the common, one for all, we go as the weakest goes attitude that brings the most diverse group of people together and asks them to give up individual fame, glory, riches and accolades for a common goal of service. Be judged by a different standard, almost always misunderstood, yet love by the masses. I’ll take it. Where do I sign up? I would do again tomorrow.

I have been accused of writing my retirement speech for twenty years. The long drives from Virginia Beach to GA, from DC to GA and the cross country flights from the West coast, I would think about all the retirements I had attended and would put myself at the podium, try to come up with something witty to say and then recap the last 2, 4, 8, 12, 18 years. As much as that was just a way to pass the time – it served as a great mental exercise that kept important people, their effect on my life and my career, fresh in my memory. Well, the day of truth is here and under normal circumstances I would have pulled out all those old speeches but I can’t. Last August, just about this time actually in a very intense situation, I lost twenty years of sayings, all my theories on life and the most coveted piece of paper…. The Mullis Standard.

I started writing all these things down over 20 years ago in Boot Camp. My company commander MSC Meadows made all of us pullout a piece of paper and write down ten things that we wanted to achieve in the next five years. Today, I realize that that was the greatest recruiting tool ever used. It was so simple, yet effective. Most of us were on four-year contracts, so by putting goals out five years, he basically was getting us to think, at a very young stage of our careers, that we were going to stay past our initial obligation. So that list of ten things turned into four yellow legal size pieces of paper, back and front, that I carried in my wallet until August 8, 2005. It’s is amazing the influence writing something down has on your life. Well, the five-year plan turned into a ten-year plan that turned into a twenty-year plan. However, all my trashy theories started getting mixed in with the goals on the yellow sheet of paper so I came up with a separate list, the Mullis standard. It started on a non-sticky post it note. Initially, there were ten. Then, I started writing down saying that I heard people say and at last count there were 235 sayings and theories on those pieces of paper. In fact, some of you know that I secretly I am a closet social scientist and I have been gathering data for about 15 years. This data was going to be genius of a book. In fact, many of you in this very room have been captured on those sheets of paper. So without the reference of my yellow sheets of paper I am going to just tell you about the Mullis standard and a few stories about some of you that are here and some that are not. I believe I could rattle off something unique about almost everyone in this room but we only have an hour. So here goes.

The Standard

Being good rule – it ain’t bragging if you can do it folks. Don’t apologize. I have made a career out of sneaking up on folks. Understand what your strengths are know what your weaknesses are and leverage one against the other.

2% rule – You can stand on the tee box, and drive a golf ball 300 yards down the center of the fairway. When you walk up the ball you find it in a two inch divot. You did everything perfect, the best you could do. You can’t focus on the 2% that you can’t control it takes away from the 98% that you can.

30% rule – It is nearly impossible to influence an entire organization, however you can find about 30% of that organization that has your vision, agrees with your ideals and the methods which you use to motivate. The secret is to be open enough to find those people because sometimes they are hidden.

Goat rule – If you eat, sleep and live with goats pretty soon you start smelling like a goat. What this means is that perception is reality whether it truly is or not. Choose wisely.

DANR – Don’t Accept NO Rule. I applied to 13 programs before I got accepted to the Enlisted Education Advancement Program. You can’t let NO stand in your way.

Be nice – That is easy. I think.

Baseball rule – There are only three things that can happen in baseball and they apply to life. You win some; you lose some and some days you get rained out…. just like in life. You can’t help the rain but everything else is up to you.

The tombstone theory – The greatest men and women in the world have about the same thing on their tombstone: Name, a saying, and a date. The most important thing on that tombstone is not who they were or what someone thought about them. The most important thing is the dash. That is right the dash. You know in the date 1920 – 1997. It is not when they were born or even when they died. It is the dash. What they did. Who they influenced, how they did what they did. The dash is important.

Protect tradition by Respecting the elderly. You can’t know the future without understanding the past. The corporate knowledge of everything that we have done usually is sitting right next to us and we disregard their input because we think they are out of touch.

When all is said and done give the credit to the people that deserve it – Make sure that the folks that do the work that makes your job easier understand that you appreciate what they do.

Well that is it. That is how I did it. Pretty simple. I would not change a thing.

I am going to leave you with a few quotes and a couple stories that kinda puts the cherry on the cake if you will. So here goes

At Russ Spalding’s retirement, I was honored to be a side boy. Right next to me was CAPT Kevin Lerrette. The ceremony had started and we were seated next to you each other. Russ is delivering his speech and he comes to this part where he says, “ People have accused me of thinking to much.” CAPT Lerrette leans over and says, “ Nobody will ever say that about you.”


I once was talking about communication and my lack of ability to convince a certain group to see the issue my way. CAPT Lerrette once again offered this nugget of advice. Joel, do you want to know the secret of an effective communicator? Never miss an opportunity to keep your damn mouth shut.

I was talking to CAPT Laura Forbes once about how poorly my writing skills were. She said, Joel if you want to be a good writer you have to read good books. She was right.

Master Chief Roger Matthews once asked me if I knew how to tell if you are a good leader. I was 22 years old almost 23. I had just made first class. Clueless. I looked at him with the blank look and he said, “Turn around and see if anyone is following you.” Now folks, if that ain’t the essence of a 41 years of experience reduced down to it’s basic element so a 22 year old could understand it I don’t know what is.

I fear that the leadership of my beloved Navy has just taken a step that could set us back to ship with clothe sails. Master Chief Bill Waller on finding out that I had been accepted to AOCS.

COL Jeff Burton instilled in me a way to attack every problem that you face. He would tell me that we are always going to do the harder right than the easier wrong. And we did.

To say that I was wild in my younger days maybe an understatement. My running line has always been that wherever I am is the place to be. Here are a few quotes that have been become infamous over the years.

Joel, “just because you have a pointed head, doesn’t mean that you are sharp.” CDR Harms, now ADM Harms

Joel where is your shoes… Georgetown. Joel where is your shirt…..Richmond.

How much do you think that bull weighs? Is that a lot.

You hide your intelligence well.

How high do you think we are? How deep do you think it is? Do you think we should take off our pants?


Setting the record straight ......

On a VTC, I did say, “Let the Air Force clean the Bleeeping showers and General Sanchez did say Joel is that you.

I had nothing to do with the MD Governor’s limo being stolen.

The Parachuting event on Columbia Pike was not as serious as everyone made it out to be.

We brought back the oyster cart in Marseille France.

The story with me and the trashcan in AOCS did not result in me giving mouth to mouth to Gunny Sergeant Seal.

Do you have any visine is not the greatest pick up line… but occasionally it works.

My mom and I were having a pretty deep conversation about death not to long ago. I told her that when I die, I wanted to be soaked in bourbon, set afloat down the Oconee river in a burning pine box. My mom looked at me for what seemed like 10 seconds and then said, what kind of Bourbon.

Last, one…. Promise. So Admiral Gilbride’s husband had been on a business trip to South America. He brings the good Admiral back a wonderful Red dress. So she tried it on and it coming down the stairs and her four year old son Caleb, looks up at Admiral Gilbride and says Mommie, your look better than you are. Well, folks that is the way I feel about my Naval career. When you put on this uniform you feel ten foot tall and bullet proof….. better than you are.


Into the breech once again my good friends.

I can remember my dad asking me often…. Do you know what tomorrow is….. Just another day. Just another day. Thank you again for coming.

Monday, Monday.....

Well, sports fans the day of has arrived. It is a day that I have..... well to say dreaded would be to strong, so avoided is what we will go with.... avoided for sometime now. It is the Monday after you retire. You get up early, and I swear I did this, start to take a shower and start thinking about what you were going to do today at work. You know getting a plan together for what needed to get done, what had to get done, and what you missed last week because you took a couple of days off. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, it was like I was dreaming, I don't have a job anymore. In a little panic, I walked out of the bathroom and there over a my bed post was the uniform that I retired in. I just stood there for a moment, ran my hands through my hair and rubbed my eyes like that was going to make things more clear. I don't know how long I stood there but I had these flashbacks of random stuff like me running up the stairs to see what my third class crow looked like on my sleeve in the mirror, me looking around at all the people at my father’s funeral, me hitting my first high school homerun. It was very weird. The last thing I remembered was me standing at the podium telling everyone what my Dad would always tell me in moments of happiness or crisis, strife and struggle, and mostly in times of boredom, he would say, “ Do you know what tomorrow is…… Just another day.” Once again my Dad is still giving me a path. As my friend Rebock would say….. easy day, easy day. So now that I have gotten over the early morning dilemma, it’s time to start the second career. I know that this time it is not going to have a cool factor or mystery about it but you what I did not ever care about that stuff anyway. My friend OSO, quoted me in her latest blog. The quote was from my retirement speech and I truly believe that it is the key to everything that is good in life. It is all about relationships. When we talk about transferable skills that is my biggest military transfer. Let’s hope everyone sees that.

Time for the monthly post

It has been a very busy month personally and professionally. I have engaged in numerous debates about the future, the past and if you can imagine.... the present, if that is possible. Anyway, I received an email a couple of days ago from a dear friend that thanked me for what I do. I replied a simple, Thank you, it means a lot coming from you. However, I have been thinking about that simple email that thanked me for my service and I have come to the conclusion that I have become a snobby bastard.

Many of my friends like to gather around when I spout off my theories about random topics, life experiences, or me just opining about nothing. One of my theories is that there is no progress of self until there is self-realization of self. Simply put in a couple of different ways: know thy heart or know your strengths and weakness and leverage them. Anyway, I have been thinking about this lately and it hit me, I have become a snob. Few people kind of understand what I have done for a living in the past, but none knew me in my prime. All they know is stories that have been embellished from me and people that knew me then. I have often said that if a man can say just once, today, this very minute, no one else in the entire world could have done this, then he is fortunate. I have experienced that feeling and it has driven me to taste it again.... and I have. However, as the physical dulls and mental sharpens you become a more humble as your drive to ascend the mountains of life becomes harder. You get it. You mature and are so thankful for the people, places and things in your life, however disconnected they are, you are appreciative. I have done that. As the very skills that have enabled me to survive and thrive began to diminish, I began to realize how absolutely grateful and blessed I actually was.

Then something happened. I don't know when it was but I began to think that I had arrived. That I was due, entitled because of my service -- a special ticket. Our society does that to us. It makes us think that we are owed a special card for our service. We are not. Men and women who serve are servants out of choice not conscription. It is our free will to raise our hand and take the oath that binds all of us. I have forgotten that. I am not due a veteran’s preference. We are not taught that. We are taught that the best man/woman wins. Your record stands on it’s own. No points for being a minority, a woman, being white.... no affirmative action.

I have been asleep at the wheel and luckily a great friend, unknowingly shook me before I crashed. I am not due anything. I am not afforded anything for my service. I am fortunate that I can proudly say that I have done what I have been asked to do for all my adult life. No regrets. No do over.

I refuse to stare in the light and be pulled into conventional thinking ever again. I am who I am because of me not because what I do. No thanks required. I said yes to... do you solemnly swear to defend the constitution of the United States of America against all enemies, foreign and domestic. Little did I know that one of those enemies was I. Never again.

As good as it gets

It has been a while since I sat in front of my laptop and banged out a blog. Not because there is not numerous topics that I could opine on but I just have not felt the need or better yet the desire to write. I know, I know.... A writer writes. And I guess that is the thing, I really don't know what I am… definitely not a writer. As a guy that was worked in one job for 20 years and now finds himself looking for a second career, the anxiety starts bubbling to the top. What am I really good at? What I am I passionate about? What will make me the most money? These are the question I am asking myself now where I have never had to ask them before. It seems simple doesn't it.... to answer those questions. I have never even thought about those questions but they are difficult. I guess I could fall back on the high school answer: Baseball. That would get me money, I was good at it and was very much passionate about it… not so much now. I go back and forth with my friends and their teams… side bar, I was at the Braves v. Mets last night and Pedro beats us… sad day in Muddville…I’m back. The truth is I worry about not having passion about things anymore. I listen to politics that used to have me throwing things at the TV and I just change the channel now. I have a hard time thinking about anything that requires me to move outside of my daily track. I am not challenged at work and that is ok…. In years past I would have been standing on my boss’ chest saying exploit me…. I am bigger, faster, stronger than all these punks you got surrounding you… not now. I come in at eight and I leave at four. Now all that could be that I am retiring and moving on and not wanting to be encumbered by extra stuff as I exodus the service or what if this is as good as it gets… what if I have already peaked. You know like a tournament team having a good February and then running the tourney because they are on a roll. What if my first forty years was my peak. I kind of thought that I had fifteen good years left in me maybe fading away into the sunset at fifty-five or sixty. What if this is it? It sounds like I am whining. I really am asking a legit question. What if there are just a few more pieces of the puzzle left? It is not like you get to substitute pieces of your life and make them fit it the wrong places. I am not ready for as good as it gets……

As I read.....

It's interesting to me how people use their blogs. For some, it's their diary/journal. For others, it's a form of communication to other specific people, but that's left open to the public. And for another group, it's a place to hone their writing skills, photography skills, or even networking skills.

People will tell the world things that they won't tell their spouse. They'll write about mundane things that only a handful of people would understand. They'll write fiction and fantasy. And they'll write about real life--that elusive extra dimension of things around here. A lot of it tends to be sad. Or bitchy. Or just dark, in general.

If truth be told, I can see how the sadness, bitchiness or darkness may surface in ones blog, especailly if this is your only outlet for your reality. I choose to think that if you can only write what you feel then it is better than keeping it bottled up inside. However, there comes a point where you have to shut up and color. I think that I am at the shut up and color point.

Revelation has been the seed of weaken souls since the beginning of time. I choose to acknowledge revelations that may have occurred and use the information for good vice to place doubt on my ability to cope. As a friend told me recently, "then stop stressin' sista.

I was just thinking......

If a gorilla and a bear got into a fight, who would win?